I Thought I Was Figuring Life Out — Turns Out I Was Just Becoming Aware of the Mess

 

A personal update from someone who keeps almost getting it rightThe Truth Hurts (Mostly Because I Stopped Lying to Myself)

I wanted to share some things I’ve learned throughout my life, especially over the last several years. These years have been eye-opening in the worst way. Not enlightening. Not empowering. Just painfully honest.The truth hurts. Mostly because it removes excuses.Finding out who you are—and who you’re not—is uncomfortable. Finding out who you thought you were but never actually lived up to? Even worse. That’s the part no one posts about.A Long List of Poor Decisions I’d Like to Blame on “Growth”I’m far from perfect. That’s not humility—it’s a factual statement backed by evidence.I’ve bounced from addiction to addiction. Depression. Anxiety. Paranoia. Failed relationships. Trauma bonds that felt intense enough to confuse with love. Smear campaigns. Legal problems. Isolation. Slowly distancing myself from family. Losing friends.I tried the church route. Then the spiritual route. Then the philosophical route—because nothing says “I’m lost” like quoting thinkers while ignoring your own behavior.I lost my father. I experienced homelessness. I went through what felt like psychological warfare—whether that was external pressure, internal instability, or both doesn’t really matter. The damage was real either way.I struggled with sexuality, responsibility, and motivation. I spent a long time in a “poor me” phase, refusing to fully take control of my emotions or my temper. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t driven. I moved states. Came back to Texas. Couldn’t keep a job because self-sabotage felt more familiar than consistency.Rehab. College hurdles. A complete loss of creativity.And here’s the part I don’t get to dodge: I don’t blame anyone else.Because I know these were my choices. I wasn’t aligned. Something always felt off—like I was trying to live a life that didn’t fit me and getting angry when it didn’t work.Questioning Reality Without a User ManualEven now, as I write this, I’m still uncertain. Direction feels vague. My perception has changed. My state of mind isn’t what it used to be.I question everything now. Reality included.We live in a world full of noise—angels and demons, spirits and ghosts, frequencies, EMF and RF technology, loss of privacy, food concerns, AI, endless opinions, endless judgment. Some of it sounds crazy. Some of it isn’t. Some of it only matters if you lose your ability to think clearly.Secret societies. Gnosticism. Power structures hiding behind symbols.I don’t claim to know what’s true. I just know pretending nothing is happening feels dishonest.Another Crossroads, Because Apparently I Like TheseWhere I go from here can only get better—or worse. I’ve reached another crossroads, and it feels familiar.What disappoints me most is that right before things seem ready to break through, everything falls apart. And I can’t escape the pattern. I look back and see my own hesitation, my fear, my avoidance.That’s the part that hurts the most—knowing I played a role in my own collapse.Childhood: The Fine Print Nobody Reads Until It’s Too LateEventually, I realized a lot of this started in childhood. Patterns don’t come from nowhere. Dark psychology and manipulation only work when there’s already a wound to hook into.People use people. There’s almost always an agenda.Ironically, I’ve found more truth and safety in genuinely flawed people than in those chasing power at all costs. Ruthless ambition rarely leads to anything human.Everyone’s Wearing a Mask (Mine Just Kept Slipping)Everyone has multiple sides. Two. Three. Sometimes more.There’s the version we show the world. The version we show a few people. And the version we avoid.We all live somewhere between good and evil, trying to survive while hoping to be happy. The internal battle never really stops—it just changes costumes.Self-Love, Unfortunately, Requires HonestySelf-realization doesn’t start with fixing yourself. It starts with telling the truth about what’s broken.Loving yourself isn’t ignoring your flaws—it’s owning them. Creating boundaries. Listening instead of reacting. Interacting with others without manipulation. But none of that works unless you’re honest with yourself first.Having a mentor or trusted friend who can call you out bluntly is rare. For me, it’s necessary. Growth without accountability turns into self-deception real fast.Fear, Empathy, and Staying HumanI’m afraid of fully seeing my flaws. Afraid of recognizing what I’ve been trying to disown. Afraid of seeing people clearly instead of through resentment or idealization.The goal—for me—is empathy with humility. Confidence without arrogance. Staying human in a world that rewards numbness.Betrayal was my most recent lesson. And I’m still processing it. No insight yet. Just awareness.No Conclusion, Just Direction (Maybe)This blog isn’t a redemption story. It’s not a lesson plan. It’s not proof that I’ve figured anything out.It’s documentation.A record of self-discovery, contradictions, and the uncomfortable path forward into the unknown. Toward a different—hopefully better—version of myself.I don’t know where this leads. I just know pretending I’m not changing anymore isn’t an option.And for now, that’s enough to keep writing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A personal update from someone who keeps almost getting it rightyhhhj